Nit Picks Week 1: WE BACK

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OH MAN youguys. It is here. It is really here. That’s right. It is…GAME WEEK.
Calendar based inevitabilities aside, it felt like this day would never come, but in a scant 48 hours (holy fuck 48 hours) we will be kicking off College Football for 2015. That means that it is time for the internet’s favorite (largely ignored) weeklyunlessIforget column: NIT PICKS!

1. The other day I tweeted “no YOU’ve watched college football hype videos for the past hour.” That reminds me of a couple of things. First of all, I’m getting dangerously close to murdering the “no YOU…(listened to Taylor Swift/didn’t leave the house/did something else soft or stupid) joke. Whatever, it’s what I do. More importantly, these are becoming a thing and OH MAN am I with it. Kmarko over at Barstool U is the czar of thy hype video, but anyone with a working knowledge of YouTube can get amped enough to run through a cement wall watching these things.

2. Maybe I just have short term amnesia (I blame a combination of three years of mindless law school readings and…you know, alcohol), but I can’t remember a college football season that seems more open heading in. Ohio State is obviously good, and people seem to agree on TCU, but after that…what? Who is the class of the SEC? Is FSU any good? USC? Some people seem to be high on Oklahoma….It is WIDE open. That’s a good thing. It will make for a hell of a year, but it reminds me of something I’ve hit on the past few years.

3. The preseason polls are POINTLESS! They are EFFING POINTLESS. You have no idea who the 25 best teams in the country. We are in a year where we happen to have an idea who number one should be, but it’s still arbitrary to label them as such because WHO KNOWS maybe it wasn’t Urban Myer, Zeke Eliot (I’m so calling him Zeke and not Ezekiel. Ezekiel is hard to spell and Zeke sounds like deke which is cool because he is a running back and I’m a moron I’ll stop talking now) and Devin Smith was the glue holding everything together and NOW HE IS GONE and they are gonna win 4 games. Probably not but WHO ARE YOU TO SAY, USA TODAY???

4. In case you forgot, this is the column where I say dumb stuff and use a lot of caps. See above.

5. Wait, the Coach’s Poll is now sponsored by Amway? That’s actually super appropriate. As you were.
(As an aside, the president of my Fraternity when I was pledging was a part of the Amway thing-an employee? Member? Cult participant? I don’t know what they are called. He was popular before that- obviously, he got elected- but he tried to get everyone to get involved with the pyramid scheme thing and by graduation everyone hated him. I don’t have a point here but that’s a true story.)

6. Are we doing the whole ‘nobody plays defense’ thing again this year? I’m not necessarily complaining if we are, but it definitely seems like things got out of hand last year. 28 teams AVERAGED 35 points or more per game. TWENTY EIGHT. That’s BONKERS. The single game passing yards record was broken last year and the rushing record got broken TWO WEEKS IN A ROW.

7. Just a reminder that it is still stupid to have a four team playoff in a sport with 5 major conferences and a bunch of others that usually produce one or two teams that are worth considering. You think we will ignore your stupidity, NCAA, just because Goodell is now running a clusterfuck that rivals yours? THE INTERNET NEVER FORGETS.

8. The picks will come below, of course and as always, but there is one that is going to be one game that will be conspicuous in its absence. That’s because I just can’t in good conscious, recommend giving away 12 points when Washington comes to visit Boise on Friday night, and there is even less of a chance that I am going to tell you to go against Harsin’s squad on the blue. Look, I pride myself upon being a homer, but when a 17-7 shut down or a 35-24 win isn’t a cover? That’s just leaving too much room for a backdoor

9. I said already that this year is wide open, but I would be remiss not to at least throw out 4 playoff teams. The official picks are:

Ohio State
Duh.

USC
Cody Kessler is legit and they always have athletes for days

Alabama
SEC is wide open so I’ll go with Saban

TCU
I went back and forth with this, didn’t want to but its hard to go against the Horned Frogs.

10. Hot take alert: He won’t win the Heisman or get credit for it, but Miles Jack might be the best player in the country.

FOOTBALL IS BACK AND I GET TO GAMBLE NOW AND THAT IS GOOD!!!!!

And now, the star of the show: The Picks.

i. South Carolina (+3) Over North Carolina

ii. MINNESOTA (+14.5) over TCU

iii. Baylor (-36) over SMU

iv. Michigan (+6) over Utah

v. VIRGINIA (+20) over UCLA

vi. Arizona State (+3) over Texas A&M

vii. Texas (+10) over Notre Dame

viii. Wisconsin (+10.5) over Alabama

ix. Ohio State (-11) over Virginia Tech

x. BYU (+6) over Nebraska

0-0 on the year because duh. 

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